19 May 1997
To: Edward Fortisqueau
From: The Offices of Satan Re the matter of May 12, 1995, your agreement to sell us your immortal soul in exchange for services rendered:
It has come to our attention that you wish to renege on our agreement.
Our records indicate that we provided to you two articles in the month of May, 1995, specifically William Shakespeare’s tragedy “The Rite of Passage” and the Beatles’ song “Tell Me.” It is most unfortunate that these works have not proven to be lucrative for you, and have indeed sunk like moss-covered stones in their respective artistic worlds.
You will note, however, that our contract requires only that we remove all historical and mental record of the artifacts from the world; it does not guarantee that they will meet with the same success they had when they originally issued.
In this light, we feel we cannot be held liable for their transformation from two of the most famous works of artistry in history into works currently located on the remaindered lists of trade magazines.
We believe, moreover, that your recent demand for the mental and historical rights to Rodin’s “The Thinker” would likely lead to a similar ignominious fate, and is without merit. This decision is also affected by a prior contract we signed with Mr. Rodin that, regrettably, contains certain clauses that do not permit this type of action for at least another 163 years.
In sum, the contract is still valid. If you have further questions, please contact our attorneys.
See you in 1999!
Regards,
Satan, et al
-Terry Vann
